Begin where you are—physically, mentally and emotionally.
Entering the Fire of Transformation …
I wrote the following in 2005, just before I entered one of the most challenging decades of my life:
“Right now I am overshadowed in every way by the looming demise of my marriage. There is a sadness that permeates my life, and a fear of what the future holds and how I will manage to take care of myself and my children. That gripping fear has kept me in this marriage for years, and as the situation becomes worse and divorce more imminent, the fear has become stronger. I feel frozen, stuck and just plain scared. I have been preparing my escape for years, knowing that not just my well being and safety, but that of my children is depending on me..
In preparation I have invested in myself with the goal of being the best possible version of myself that I can—emotionally, physically, spiritually. The money and time I have invested in books, seminars and tapes likely equal the tuition for a University degree. I have lived and seen more of life and life experiences than the average person of 50 years, and I’m smart, damn smart! Couple all of those life experiences with the additional focused attention I’ve given to health, personal development, finances and marketing—you’d think I’d be able to find a way to market it, sell it and make a living by helping others.
Fear, lack of confidence—are those the only things holding me back? I am in search of the key that will unlock the door to my creativity and purpose in life. I am searching for any unknown obstacles holding me back. I feel I am very close—but at the same time a wall away from discovering and practicing my true life purpose and expressing my full potential. I seek the answers constantly—in books, inside myself and in the Higher Power.
“Kay, if God is calling you to teach, you don’t need to be ‘perfect’ to start doing it. God will give you what you need.” ~Somebody Smart
I seek freedom and happiness in my own life, and the fulfillment of making the world a better place by helping others find their true, authentic and best selves. I’ve learned that Everything Is an Inside Job—whether we are seeking weight loss, happiness, security, better relationships, more money—it’s all connected, and it’s all connected to what is inside of us.
It is important to take 100% responsibility for our circumstances. No matter what our current circumstances are, we each created them for ourselves. We attract the people, the circumstances, and even the material things in our lives. We create the body we have today by the choices we have made in the food we eat, whether and how we exercise, what habits or addictions we succumb to, and even how healthy we keep our environment and our relationships. Certainly, we are all works in progress and we are recreating ourselves, our circumstances and our bodies every day. I am not the same as I was 15 minutes ago when I sat down to write this. I will never be that person again, just as a river is constantly flowing and changing, so am I, and so are you.
I found an opening through meditation and Yoga, which became the beginning and the heart of my journey. Through Yoga, I found that quiet place within myself that I had not connected with in many years. Through that quiet space I reconnected with my creativity and my spirituality and an opening, a transformation, and a growth and healing began. Through that has come a desire to help others find that same place. My focus is on Health and Wellness. We cannot be healthy, have vibrant energy, maximum wellness, happiness and balance without finding that place within ourselves—it is truly an inside job. What is going on in our inner life is reflected in our outer life through our circumstances, relationships and our bodies.
A year ago, although I know just what to do and how to eat to maintain a healthy weight, I was grossly overweight and really struggling with it. Finally, one day after a lot of soul searching and healing I looked in the mirror and said to myself, “I am ready to come out!” Soon after that I lost 25#. I still have 25-30 pounds more to lose. I have been “stuck” at my current weight for several months.. Dr. Simon from the Chopra Center told me the reason for this is that I am “stuck” in a relationship that is not good for me. He expressed his doubt that I could loose 20 more pounds while I am in this marriage. He suggested that it would be “too empowering” to lose more weight. He invited me, and I am trying, to prove him wrong. I have set my intentions and focused my attention over the last weeks on letting go of things in my life that no longer serve me. I have purged my closets, my office, and my storage areas. I am preparing and doing the “inner work” to let go of these extra pounds and let go of anything else n my life that is not serving my highest and best self. I feel I am on the verge of an astounding transformation.”
… and I was.
Okay … so that is the end of my 2005 journal entry. I did lose 20 more pounds in the following year. I ended my marriage in 2007. And I did start teaching, but I played small … very small. I taught yoga, did wellness, nutrition and some life coaching. I had students who asked and encouraged me to offer more, but I resisted. Life threw some bigger challenges my way. However, I accept 100% of the responsibility for the choices I made and the situation and circumstances I created. I firmly believe that there are times when we refuse to step into our life’s mission and purpose, things can get nasty. The decade after my marriage ended presented many challenges. I was financially destabilized and lost everything in the aftermath of the divorce. My relationships with my children suffered and have caused more heartache and heartbreak than I knew I could possibly endure. At one point I felt like God was determined to take everything precious away from me until I was ready to fully step into my purpose—yet I still resisted and insisted on playing small. At one point I had friends who were praying for me and a one of them even had a service dedicated to my support me through prayer. Someone I’ve known and respected all my life as being highly spiritually evolved told me,
“Kay, if when God wants someone, he can be very heavy handed.” ~Somebody Smart